Building Our Resilience Muscle

How has this last month been for you?

I know for so many lives, particularly in recent weeks, has been really challenging.  People around Australia and the world struggling with the isolation and mental anguish of lockdown and restrictions, coping with the devastation of natural disasters, paralysed by the fear of oppression and violence, and all of us still trying to navigate through constant uncertainty.  And for many of us, some days are easier to bear than others.

For me and my family, September has been a tough month.  Personally and professionally I have felt increasingly overwhelmed by the feeling of helplessness and frustration as I receive a message after message from desperate Afghanis and their families pleading for help to evacuate and protect their loved ones from the ever-emerging threats in Afghanistan. 

As a result of being invited to contribute to important and necessary education, media and expert commentary work I have been re-living the horrors inflicted by the 9/11 terrorist attacks and the catastrophic decisions made in the aftermath of those attacks.  I have been reflecting and mourning for the multitude of ways those attacks and the subsequent 'war on terror' impacted my life and the lives of millions around the world.

In the last month, my family has been faced with an unexpected illness, injury, strained relationships and emotional angst, and amongst all of this we now have to manage an unexpected and rushed house move.

It has felt a bit relentless. 

We all know that feeling don't we?!

And in times like this I remind myself I, we, still have choices. 

For all the things around us and that happen to us that we cannot control, we can still control how we choose to respond.  That choice is always ours to make. I know only too well exercising that choice can be easier said than done, particularly in the face of anguish, overwhelm and increasing hopelessness.  But it's something I believe we must remember in the hardest of times.

This is the foundation of resilience.

For me, resilience is the ability to interpret, even the most difficult situations, in a way that offers hope and possibility. To believe this too shall pass, that we will learn the lessons and survive, even succeed and grow stronger through adversity.

But this takes practice, it must be intentional and often requires additional resources including the support of others.

There has always been the debate around whether one is born with natural resilience or whether it is an acquired skill. My view has always been that whilst some people are naturally more able or equipped to practice resilience than others,  resilience is not a trait that people either have or don't have.

I believe resilience involves behaviours, thoughts, and actions that can be learned and developed in everyone. Resilience is largely about being adaptable and flexible. It’s a muscle that we strengthen through repeated use and exercise.

So how do we build our resilience muscle?

I have found committing to certain actions has really helped me over the years with building my resilience.  It's certainly not an exhaustive list and doesn't apply to everything, particularly extreme hardships that sometimes you have no choice but to endure, but it's what has worked for me and may assist you when, like me, life's challenges begin to mount and things start feeling all too hard :

1.  Strengthen your connections - reach out to loved ones, friends, a family that you can be yourself with, that you can speak honestly to and have got your back.  It helps to talk and let it out, then problem-solve together.

2.  Be firm with yourself and the stories you/we tell ourselves by avoiding seeing crises as insurmountable problems.

3.  Accept that change is a part of living and that we don't always get to choose the timing of that. If possible try to embrace the unexpected, go with it with the belief that where you are heading will bring new opportunities.

4.  Take every opportunity to use unexpected and challenging situations to move towards your goals. Identify your big picture life goals (your purpose, your WHY) and use these challenges to clarify smaller, measurable goals you can work towards and achieve as small 'wins' that build confidence and a sense of hope.

5. Take decisive actions.  Let yourself feel the discomfort, emotion, uncertainty but then don't do anything - at least not for too long.  In my experience allowing yourself to be paralysed by fear for too long can add to the pressures and problems that need addressing.  So for me doing nothing has rarely been an option.  The act of doing something can in of itself help you to feel empowered and a sense of control over a situation that initially felt out of your control.

6. Look for opportunities for self-discovery.  My parents always say everything happens for a reason.  It's a mantra I have found myself saying over and over again as I get older. Essentially this is about perspective.  It's about making the conscious choice to look for the silver linings, life lessons and personal growth in amongst crises. 

It is these things that I am currently putting into practice in order to strengthen my resilience muscle at a time when my life journey is calling upon me to do so.  I know this too shall pass, I know I am loved and supported, and I know through all of this I will continue to grow and learn the lessons life offers us almost every day.

I hope this has been of service to you as well.